I just want to escape
by samantha.plummer.92
Summary: Broken, drowning in her despair, Sansa confides in the man she loves... (Also published on A03)


Blinking rapidly, she forced herself not to sob as she stared at the pale reflection of herself in the mirror. Her pale, normally twinkling eyes appeared dull, despite the tears filling them. As much as the sight of herself filled her with revulsion, she forced herself to look. She needed to. The tears she'd kept at bay began to flow as her eyes found all her flaws, showing her just how ugly she was. Nausea rose up in her as thought of the food she'd consumed only hours before. Her stomach churned uncomfortably as she thought of how trapped she'd felt as she had eaten. Swallowing every small, horrific morsel of food on her plate had exhausted her. Whilst the happy faces surrounding the table should have soothed and helped her, her panic had remained. Even as she had forced herself to eat, thoughts had whirled around inside her head. Thoughts reminding her of just how unworthy she was to have the food on her plate...

After gagging slightly as her tears intensified, Sansa brought up the meal, her stomach heaving painfully as she did. Her knees shook violently as she vomited, the desire to collapse in a ball almost overwhelming. Her heart was thundering in her chest, the sound of it both comforting and distressing. The sound reminded her she was alive. She, Sansa Stark, was alive. Whether she liked it or not. The empty feeling that had hung over her for years had finally begun to get out of control. It had become harder to force a smile onto her pale face each morning. Closing her stinging eyes slightly, fatigue enveloped her.

For the briefest of seconds Sansa wondered what it would be like to sleep and not wake up. The thought, surprisingly, upset her. The idea of continued sleep soothed her tired, worn out soul but that was not all. It hurt her to think of never seeing Sandor ever again. To never kiss him or snuggle closer into large arms as he embraced her. Or to never again make love with him... A small, tentative smile formed on her face as she remembered the last time they had made love. It made her blush profusely. Once again, her heart thundered in her chest. This time, however, it was entirely for a different reason. Sansa felt the desire to laugh. Though she knew if she started she would struggle to stop.

"Little bird, what is the matter?" Sansa blinked as she heard his voice. She hadn't notice him come home. It took her a few moments to realise she was by now sitting on the floor. She soon saw the bin by her side. The sight of the bin next to her reminding her of her meltdown. She immediately looked away. The muscles in her face felt stiff as she forced herself to smile at the man she'd come to love. Her eyes took in Sandor's tired, wrinkled appearance and instantly felt guilty for being so self absorbed. She forced herself to rise from the floor, ignoring just how weak she felt.

"Nothing. I'm fine." She told him, smiling slightly. She watched as he walked towards her before enveloping her in a hug. Despite herself, she instantly hugged back, clinging on to him. The desire to cry once again coming to her. Perhaps Sandor sensed this as he started to murmur that he loved her. The sound of his heartfelt declaration was her undoing as she once again broke down. This time, however, she was in Sandor's arms and she was not alone. As she cried, giving into the helplessness she felt, he comforted her the best he could. Words of love she'd never heard from him before burst from his lips and slowly, her composure returned.

Sandor's panicked eyes gazed into hers as her sobbing ceased. The love she saw within them brought a lump to her throat. Sandor's eyes were shining and she knew the reason why. They were filled with love and it was all for her. Uncharacteristically gently for a man his size, he stroked her hair softly, knowing it would comfort her. Sansa's eyes began to droop as tiredness swamped her. Sandor, seeing this, helped her to bed. Her movements were sluggish and uncoordinated as she walked and it took awhile for them to reach the top of the stairs. A tired sigh escaped her as she reached their bed.

"I just want to escape it all." She muttered slightly, her words low and quiet. She couldn't bring herself to look at Sandor, especially, as she could feel his gaze on her.

Silence filled the room for a matter of moments as Sandor thought of what to say. His heart ached as he thought of losing her. He couldn't lose her. She was everything to him. Everything he had ever dreamed of and wanted. Everyday he felt lucky to have her. Why couldn't she see that?

"Then escape with me. I can't lose you. You're everything to me. "


End file.
